Thursday, May 6, 2010

let's get down tonight

dear fattractiverse

i am sad right now. i mean, you probably couldn't tell because i've been quiet here at double you double you double you dot fattractive dot com. i have actually been posting all along at shhhhhh tumblr (remember how i got an iphone?) but now i did something behind the curtain that broke everything. i can't even log into my tumblr at all because i was trying to IMPROVE it. the thing is, fattractiverse, everything was just fine the way it was before. this is what i do, i take a perfectly good thing that is not perfect because nothing is perfect and i try to fix it but instead i break it forever. this is not a metaphor. i bet you think this song is about you, etc. etc.

this post comes to you live from miami where i thought i would find a wealthy venture capitalist husband at this private equity conference. turns out, all these dudes are married and boring and i don't even really understand what they do or how you get into that line of work in the first place. never mind the fact that i feel like i will go to my grave with the same broken heart and can hardly fathom starting new romanticals. the night i got here, wednesday, last night, i waited in line for some seafood paella and this old guy tried to network with me. but his eyes glazed over the second he realized i had nothing to offer him. everyone here is trying to network, but as another guy at lunch (cuban tofu instead of chicken over rice and beans with sweet plantains) said to me: these private equity conferences are like frat parties with only one or two chicks. i don't think that was a metaphor either.

i could probably talk about conference food in this post which is it's own strange beast or i could talk about how i'm trying to decide whether to order an inroom aloha burger (with pineapple and terryaki sauce) or just go to sleep. instead, i'm going to boogie at this pity party i'm throwing for myself and completely ignore the fact that my life is pretty awesome for the most part (for the love of christ i spent 2 hours in a hot tub today with corona after laying on the beach for the second day in a row and had tuna tartar for dinner last night on an all expense paid "work" trip). next week, i'm in chicago for a couple of days burying my sorrows in the deepest dish pizza i can find. maybe i will even actually fix the redirect of my fancy custom domain and you will see said pizza pizzazz in the prettier tumblr layout.

until then: adios tacos muchachos.

p.s. i'm ordering the aloha.

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