Friday, July 31, 2009

my postcard to you

I haven't updated since April, and it's now July. I never wrote anything about Austin or Philadelphia (where I was in June), and I'm sure I didn't say enough about Coconut Creek. I haven't said a word about Independence Day weekend when Sabrina was in town or about just a couple of weeks ago when Sue was here. Well, when she was in New York for the Oxford Collapse finale show. She wasn't here where I am right now because I am not in New York. I'm in Newport.

Technically, I'm in Middletown which is across the water from the Hamptons in a house called Whetstone that's been in my friend Anna's family for at least four generations. We got here on Thursday morning and went for a swim in the private cove behind the house. I cut the shit out of my hand on the barnacles and scraped my knee and elbow. Then, we had a light but succulent lobster salad for dinner before turning in at a respectable 11pm. This morning, I popped up at 8 without the aid of an alarm. In fact, I thought I had slept in something terrible late because of the light in the room and how refreshed I felt. This place is magical. It actually makes me excited for fitness. I threw on my running outfit and met Anna downstairs. She was going on a bike ride around town, so we left about the same time in different directions. I jogged to the wildlife refuge past the second beach and around the ocean view loop. Including the walk back, I went about 7 miles. My left knee feels arthritic now. I'm also covered in mosquito bites from sitting on the porch last night. And, I think I'm sunburned from this morning. Basically, i'm falling apart. It feels so good.

We're getting up early for a yoga class tomorrow and more delicious fresh fruits and salads. that is all.

Saturday, July 11, 2009

what we want to be told

Your whole life, the entirety of it, from the beginning when you were a small child and you were running on the lawn through the water stream weaving with fresh mown grass, you were chasing, full of laughter and fear, and when you were older a bit and going to school everyday and seeing your body in a different way and making friends and grades and feeling ugly and stupid and you were full of sadness and anger and pursuit and when you aged ever so slowly and then fast and too fast and too fast and you thought you were brilliant, you were on top of the world, you were beautiful you were hilarious, you were supposed to marry like you saw them do on the screens and in the stories and around you when everyone around you found that person they loved and got married and had children like you were when you started this life, your whole life, you thought you had to be strategic you thought that you had to have a plan to reach a goal and if you made mistakes you were supposed to learn from those mistakes and not make those mistakes a second or third or sometimes, let’s face it, over and over and over again, and that if you didn’t learn if you didn’t succeed if you didn’t attain that purpose that seemed right for so many people, then you failed.

But don’t you see now? Don’t you see? Don’t you see why you’ve been seeking? What you have now and what you had all along? Don’t you see? You’ve had the hunt. The hunt has kept you alive. The hunt staves the hunger. And along the way, the hunt has brought you joy. The hunt has shown you corners inside of you and around you what you otherwise never would have perceived. The hunt has taken you out of your nest into the world and into the hearts of those you’ve met. All along, it hasn’t been the goal that’s been important. The whole point, all along, was the hunt.

When you were chasing rainbows through the water spray and trying to capture fireflies in those dark summer dusks, when you were exploring your flesh as it stretched and tanned and rippled with a passing chill, when you feverishly whispered in the quiet ennui of your adolescence and cried softly into those laundered sheets and scribbled endlessly on those lined pages that you shared that you never shared, when you locked arms with your friends and misbehaved according to the rules, the laws, the tenets established to organize society, when you spent all of those hours, those days and days and years, finally, waking up at the same time and arriving at the same place and performing the same function and you never felt you were finished you felt you were done but you weren’t finished, you still had to keep going, to continue, to do something else whatever was next, you had to start again at the beginning again and perform until you were finished, that whole time, all along, it was the hunt. You found what you weren’t looking for while you were looking for what you thought you should find.

And beyond all that, beyond what you found, beyond your discoveries in what you read and what you watched and what you heard and what you were told, you taught and you gave and you really did impact everyone you met along the way. Your hunt was a gift, has been a gift of companionship and wisdom and love. They knew you, they never truly knew you, they learned from you what it meant to be of a separate mind. You joined them on their journey, their hunt, and they will never forget you.