My friend Rick was broccoli for Halloween one year. I asked for permission to publish the picture here because it seriously made me pee my pants (it didn't make the pee smell, though. he wasn't asparagus.).
Anyway, while we were flirtatiously g-chatting tonight (what can i say? I have a thing for green giants), he reminded me of a brunch I had with him a few weekends ago at farm in Park Slope. i went once before with my teetotaler friend vera who also used to be a jehovah witness, although the two facts about her are not related. but the fact that she doesn't drink is related to the forthcoming anecdote i'm about to share with you.
he wanted what i was going to order (EGGS ANY STYLE WITH CREAMY CHEDDAR GRITS) but chose this other thing instead (BEANS, BACON, SAUSAGE, TOMATO BAKED WITH TWO EGGS) because he was being chivalrous. my first impulse is to never order the same thing as whatever my dining companion is ordering unless i'm on a business date because i always want to try more than one thing on the menu. but i think as i grow older i realize that sometimes you're just not in the mood to be adventurous and you just want to have what you want.
anyway, i'm digressing. he told me this story about a "friend" who was struggling with some decision about whether she should continue to date some dude who's a total raging alcoholic. oh now i should probably regret posting his picture here since it might get back to his friend that he was gossiping about her. or even worse...it could get back to the dude she was bitching about and he could totally dump her and her big mouth! oh well i guess it's too late now. so, rick asked me what i thought and i went on this long diatribe about how it's so stupid when people end relationships with other people just because they can see it "inevitably not working out" instead of just letting things end at their own pace or, you know, when something actually very wrong happens. most people are so scared of getting hurt or hurting someone that they end up fulfilling their own prophesies by yanking out prematurely.
okay yes i was projecting. yes, i was directing this philosophy and admonishment at him. and yes this girl friend of his should run far far away from that sloppy boozehound. sigh. yes yes i know i'm a hypocrite. i know i was just in the same situation with a certain totally nice and awesome on paper gentleman caller with whom i knew i was never going to fall in love. yes. i couldn't break up with him. no. no i couldn't have a spine and tell him it wasn't going to work out, let's just be friends. yes i just stopped calling him back. yes i'm an asshole.
why, no. i'm not going to be on tv after all. that's a long story i don't really have time for right now. i'm off to a bar to see a band and then to another bar after that to maybe meet someone else with whom i know it'll never work out.