Saturday, August 9, 2008

enchilada stuffed dumplings

melinda, don't go, i said, don't go. your hair, your snuffleupagus eyes, your peach scented skin, but most of all your laughter and your enchiladas.

melinda (who prefers to be called fatso rizzo) is moving to austin, friends. last night, she hosted me and some of her other dear friends to watch the spectacular opening ceremonies on her hdtv. she made her signature chicken enchiladas, but for appetizers we enjoyed dumplings and egg rolls in honor of the location of this year's olympic games. earlier in the day, i wondered through the new whole foods on greenwich near chambers to find something to eat for lunch. i settled on a small gazpacho, the summer soup, and a large square of cornbread. for breakfast that day, i had not soyogurt with blueberries and a whole wheat english muffin with natural peanut butter. soyogurt is disgusting. it tastes like liquified tofu turned rotten. but it lacks dairy, and i think my recent battles with my digestive system would be better served by cutting lactose out of my diet. did i tell you about the three bowls of ice cream i had at the international dairy foods association ice cream party on capital hill last month? sometimes the pain is worth the joy, i suppose.

holly (femme fat al) will be in zambia until december, around her birthday, she says. i have too much fun at her birthday parties--at the last two, i've met men who eventually applied to break my heart. unfortunately for them, that position had already been filled long ago. without holly around, i have no one to text me at all hours to request a rendezvous at ralph's italian ices on graham avenue in williamsburg. she's also my one friend who wants to go out to eat constantly but just as perpetually broke as i am. we never make food together, but we love lovely day, the thai place in nolita that at which i discovered papaya and avocado salad with adam, and we love expensive margaritas at la esquina, which i've also shared with the aforementioned melindalicous. we love coffee shops like supercore on bedford and south third and cafe grumpy in greenpoint. we love art openings with free wine, although we haven't gone to any this summer because she's been too busy with school and being a librarian and i get nasty headaches from the sugars. we love vintage dresses and brunching directly after a walk of shame because really i think we both take pride in shame and we love to tell each other stories about where we slept last night and how we got there and we both must kind of love a little bit the feeling of not having had the chance to shower it off yet.

anna (who does not have a fat nickname because she would never contribute to this blog) is in berlin this week and next and i miss her dearly. i miss her midday phone calls and her pretty little face and how excited she gets when she tells me about stories about crazy. i miss her tendency for mexican beer and how she always takes the lime out and leaves it on the table. i miss how she says she does not like sex and the city and how she does not care for the opera and how she doesn't like dogs. i miss her making me dinner out of a box because that's all she knows how to cook and i miss her stories about old men yelling "fuck you in the knee you stupid cucumber" in german because he thought she'd cut in line at the bank. i miss telling her about how stupid the boys in my life can be and hearing her tell me without any softness how unreasonable i am and impatient just in the way that i want to hear these things but no one else will say them to me.

steven (who also does not have a fat nickname) will return from australia in a week, too, and i miss him. i miss how he teases me for being illogical or pendantic. i miss how he hates calling a meal in the afternoon brunch and how he only orders burgers. i miss jennifer in london and ophelia in cuba and erin in barcelona.

susan was only in new york for one day and her second trip here was canceled and i miss her too. i miss her always and i wonder if our friendship would be just as strong if she lived here, if we would make time for each other the way we make sure we do when we know our time together is so scarce. i miss keaton and david and lynn. i miss dave, and i'm scared we'll never see each other again. i miss jill who's so busy with work all the time. i miss living with jason even if i tell him i don't. i miss becky and i'm sorry that she had to leave and that i couldn't take her back. i miss nikki in los angeles so much. i miss the way she fought with me and the way she danced while she ate chocolate and the way she was always there to listen to me whenever i got fired. i miss her fun and bizarre facts and the way she'd make me google it when i didn't believe her. i miss reading her writing and getting dim sum with her on the weekend and telling her to calm the fuck down when she'd o.d.'d on red bull. i miss her baby voices and how she'd whine when she didn't get her way and how she'd jump up and down and clap when she did. i miss that guy from iceland who's name i can't remember or spell if i did. i miss that winter with the new zealander and the summer with chad and the fall with alex and the spring with i'd rather not say. i miss my obsession with the one who must not be named, the poison wrapped in cheese. i miss my brother and his whole life. i miss my father and my grandmother and grandpa. i miss all the things my life could have been.

i miss my frydaddy cord because now i can't make corn tortilla chips with the frydaddy or donuts. i miss cooking for my friends. i miss brooke's stuffed bell peppers. i miss scott purvines and brian tweedy and even harley. i miss texas orphan thanksgiving and eatster sunday with those dyed eggs filled with confetti.

but there's so much ahead of me, i think. so many more people i haven't met yet who will fill me with wonder and joy and dread, who will take me to places i can't imagine and fill my face with tastes i've never dreamed. i'm on a cusp now between longing for the past and reluctance for the future and i have to reframe. i have to seek the path colored with new love and abandon the sense of loss. i have to remember that i've been blessed to have what i've had so far.