Sunday, September 28, 2008

i have to lose 100 pounds

if i'm going to be on tv in october, i better get to work.

oh, what's that? you didn't know that i'm going to be on tv?

well, technically, i'm not totally sure it's going to happen, but long story short, i filed a complaint at brooklyn small claims court against my former roommate for not giving me back my security deposit when i moved out at the end of august and once i did it became a matter of public record and TWO--count 'em--TWO separate judge show producers called me to offer me two plane tickets to chicago or houston, respectively, room/board, foods, car service, and a $400 appearance fee in addition to paying my settlement within a week IF i win WHICH i will because that bitch ain't got a case for any of her cases (this last part is a reference to a quip uttered about cuttler's ipod speaker case that contained a bunch of other cases, but you wouldn't really think it was funny unless you were there).

what does this have to do with food or eating? well, (1.) i get to eat on someone else's dime in a city i don't normally get to eat in if this actually happens and (2.) my former roommate probably already spent the entirety of the security deposit she owes me on totally expensive whole foods groceries which is what she spent all the money she was overcharging me on that apartment the whole time anyway.

okay so in other news, i ate a bunch of yums in dc last week. mostly of note, a latin/asian fusion restaurant called Zengo. tuna ahi tacos? yes, please. also, windows catering rocks. this one cute young kind of short entrepreneur who was at the event was having some trouble with his pane cotta and i, in my munificence, tried to help but instead smeared chocolate and cheese all over his tie and even got some cream in his hair due to an errant spoon which i then replaced. not so easy being smooth after 4 days straight of 5 hours of sleep a night and constant being-on-my-feet-ness. other than those stand outs, i have to say i otherwise was gagging pretty bad on all the hotel food. i ate at each of the 5 restaurants at the gaylord except for the steakhouse and, tastiness notwithstanding, ambiance is like a huge part of the dining experience for me. i was feeling majorly stir crazy in that biodome so when i finally was released on thursday night to eat dinner with the limited edition edit staff, my pleasure levels were off the charts even though the food at lauriol plaza was substandard.

okay so back to my current dilemma: i have to lose some weights because, to quote one of the best dating decisions of my life, my "ass looks like two sacks of mayonnaise." (in all fairness, he directed that accurate description to some other lady's derrierre, but it's still relevant to my condition.) i plan to eat exclusively water and laxatives for the next couple of weeks (and not the three helpings of pudding/brownie cake parfait dessert thing that i had at kelly's party today).

oh and i've been thinking about this place a lot lately.

1 comment:

thehistoryofmyfuture said...

okay, so call me immature, but when i was making those phone calls for that convention, it was all i could do to stifle giggles when explaining that the guests were to stay at the GRANDE GAYLORD HOTEL. I felt like I was in a Farrelly Bros flick.

That's cray-cray about your (ex) roommate! Why isn't she giving you your deposit back? I even gave my old roommate hers back when she only gave me a week's notice to move out!

And what's with cheapo roommates always buying the most expensive groceries?? Every annoying roomy I've had who would perpetually complain about being broke and the high cost of bills were always the ones toting home all organic fancy schmancy Whole Foods gorgonzola and $10 Nut Bran or whatever, while I was scraping the barrel with close-to-rotting produce at C-town. The worst part is that these people didn't have jobs, and I did! Phew. Well, I hope Judge Hatchett/Joe Brown/Judy lays the smack down!